So Mrs. McKinney, tell me again what you saw come out of the Loch?I was out in ‘me garden harvesting four leaf clovers, potatoes, and other stereotypical Irish things, when suddenly I hears’ a strange noise a’ comin’ from the Loch. I lifted 'me head and strained ‘me eyes to see. At first, I couldn’t tell what ‘twas, but then at once I recognized what I ‘twas lookin’ at. ‘Twas as clear as a mcgubbin ninny on the cuthatch saire.
What was it? A monster?
Of course not, you idiot! ‘Twas a glimmering, beautiful pearl necklace!
A pearl necklace? That’s what your amazing discovery is?
Of course 'tis! It wasn’t just any pearl necklace, with it’s classy, timeless style and it’s regal sensibilities, but it was also 85% off! You just don’t find deals like that every day.
I guess not. You said you had a picture of it?
Yes, here it is.
This is a picture of a monster coming out of the Loch.
No, don't look at the monster. Look at what the monster is wearing. See the pearls?
You’re telling me that a giant monster comes out of the Loch, and the thing you find most shocking is that it’s wearing a pearl necklace.
That’s 85% off. Deal of the day price.
I think people would find the monster more interesting.
What, ol’ Nessie? She’s been in the Loch for years and comes out all the time. That’s old news. And trust me, there’s nothing interesting about 'er. We invited 'er to the village Christmas party last year and she bored us all to death with her dull stories. And then she left without even trying my famous potato salad. Trust me, the story you’re lookin’ for is the pearl necklace, not some shy, socially awkward dinosaur.
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One week left until Christmas. Freaking out yet? Haven’t finished all your shopping? Still looking for a last minute gift? Wrestling the last Turbo Man doll from the hands of Sinbad? Well, take a rest. Do some of your shopping online. “But wait!” you scream from darkest corner of the mall parking lot, “If I order something online, it won’t get here in time for Christmas!” Don’t you worry, Last-minute Larry. We’ve got you covered. Buy today’s deal of the day, this elegant, brilliant, timeless Tiffany’s necklace, the necklace from the shop that all women are preprogrammed to adore, and it’s GUARANTEED TO ARRIVE BY CHRISTMAS. Seriously. We’ll get it to you. No need to run out to the mall in a mad panic with all the other stampeding last-minuters. Just click “add to your shopping cart” and let the gifts come to you. Your special someone is guaranteed to love this gift as you sneak up behind her on Christmas Eve and drape it around her neck like they do in all those jewelry ads on TV (in real life, if you sneak up behind her and drape something cold on her neck she’ll probably scream and instinctively punch you in the man parts, so be careful). So remember, order today, get it by Christmas, surprise her at the last minute, wear a cup. Happy shopping.